www.blog.^jaime_gaspar.com

   ____
 /' __ `\
(__)  )  )
     /  /
    /  /
   (__/
    __
   (__)

Clearly

o < 0

so

oo < 00

but

00 = 0 x 0 = 0

thus

oo < 0

as we wanted.

I received a spam e-mail like this one:

This is you: 8---o
This is you on drugs: 8======o

Now, why would you want a drug that makes your nose grow?!

It is inside of us... of each of us... the Light, the Wings... to light the Way and fly over the Storm...

We have the Power... we are the Power... the Power of doing... the Power of being...

Each Dream makes us believe... each Dream makes us more Human... each Dream reveals us the Truth... the Truth that releases us.

It is in our Spirit... in our Soul... in our Heart... that we truly find ourselves...

The non-sense defence
Members of the jury,
The prosecution's case, at a first glance, seems to be solid and sound. But is it? The prosecution failed to provide answers for many of the main questions. How could my client be at the crime scene if he is lactose intolerant?! How could my client know the victim if it was raining?! How could my client have left his fingerprints on the murder weapon if it was ten o'clock?! And finally, but not the least, how can the victim be dead if the victim had a life insurance?! I know that twelve fair people like yourselves cannot pass a verdict stating guilty with this questions unanswered.
Thank you.

The "bring everyone down with you" defence
Members of the jury,
My client is guilty as hell. Oh yes, he is guilty! But he didn't do it alone! Who was driving the get-away car? The district attorney! Who masterminded the whole thing? The judge! Who provided the weapons? The clerk to the court! And who received the stolen goods? You, members of the jury, you did! So, save my client, and in the process save yourselves!
Thank you.

The insanity defence
Members of the jury,
My client cannot be found criminally liable for his acts as he is insane. Where are my expert psychiatric witnesses? I need no witnesses. The prosecution is my witness! The prosecution repeatedly refered to my client as a "mad killer", a "crazy murderer", a "lunatic assassin", a "homicidal maniac". The prosecution's own words are better than one hundred shrinks!
Thank you.

The ineffective assistance of counsel defence
Members of the jury,
I suck! I'm the worst possible lawyer for my client. My client would even be safer with the prosecution representing him! Due to my gross malpractice, incompetence and negligence, my client is likely to be convicted. Not because the prosecution presented a mountain of incriminating evidence, a dozen of witnesses and my client's written and signed confession, but simply because I didn't win. My client shouldn't be hurt because I failed to deliver the proper legal representation that he is entitled to. So I kindly ask for a verdict of not guilty. Or at least a mistrial.
Thank you.

The prosecutorial misconduct defence
Members of the jury,
My client cannot be criminally liable due to gross prosecutorial misconduct. The prosecution knowingly, maliciously and wrongfully acted with intentional tort in an inappropriate manner by withholding exculpatory evidence, coaching witnesses into giving false testimony, tainting the jury, threatening defence witnesses and misusing and abusing the process. And resourcing to selective prosecution: the prosecution selected my client solely because he broke the law!
Thank you.

The tainted evidence defence
Members of the jury,
The evidence against my client was planted at the scene, inappropriately collected, mishandled and lost during transference to the lab, replaced by forged evidence, tainted during testing, wrongly stored and mixed up with another case's evidence. And the chain of evidence was broken leaving the evidence unaccounted for several days. That's how finger prints become DNA evidence!
Thank you.

The minimalist defence
Members of the jury,
My client did not do it.
Thank you.

The technicality defence
Members of the jury,
My client was read his rights in American English but he speaks British English. Under the fruit of the poisonous tree doctrine, that renders inadmissible in court all the evidence produced by the police and prosecution.
Thank you.

The self-defence defence
Members of the jury,
My client acted in self-defence. He was forced to resource to deadly physical force to repress the victim's intent to inflict great bodily harm or kill. The cute puppy was about to bite!
Thank you.

Theorem. In a fixed-size cup of coffee milk, the more coffee you have the less milk you have, and the more milk you have the less coffee you have.

Proof. Let v denote the volume of the cup, c denote the volume of coffee and m denote the volume of milk. Then v = c + m (at least if you fill the cup really up to the top, as I do). Say we increase the amount of coffee to c' > c. Then we have to show that the amount of milk decreases to m' < m. Again we have v = c' + m'. From v = c + m and v = c' + m' we get c + m = c' + m', so m - m' = c' - c. Since c' > c, then c' - c > 0. But m - m' = c' - c, so also m - m' > 0. From this we conclude m' < m, as we wanted. Analogously if we increase the amount of milk instead of the amount of coffee.

It's almost summer and Hollywood needs another summer blockbuster. They already covered all the basic themes: ghosts, mummies, werewolves, vampires, zombies, witches, dragons, dinosaurs, lake and sea monsters, sharks, killer whales, snakes, crocodiles, giant squids and octupuses. And aliens, I almost forgot aliens. Since they pretty much done it all, they need clever creative people to come up with the next monster. And here is where I come in (humility is overrated).

After consulting with myself, I came up with the novel notion of a mutant sardine. A monstrously big sardine? No, actually the mutation went the other way and it is a microscopic sardine. But with a vicious temper? No, quite a tame one. However, during the full moon it turns into a werewolf! A killer werewolf? No, a quite shy and peaceful werewolf. But, and this is just genial, the werewolf has multiple personality! And one of its personalities is Mr Hyde!

Now we are talking: Mr Hyde is out of copyright since the 60's or so, therefore we can use, abuse and misuse the character. We can misrepresent the character. We can twist the character. We can pervert the character. We can corrupt character. And we don't have to pay a dime!

And it's not all: since the sardine is so microscopic that we cannot actually see it, we don't even need a sardine! Its one less actor and so we can use the money to add some blowing computer generated special effects in every single frame, including end titles! The only thing that we really need is the werewolf, so we are waiting for one to answer our casting notice in the newspaper. If we can't find one, we may just go with a vampire. It doesn't have half of the artistic merits of a werewolf, but it sells as well.

Sometimes both the public sector and private companies seem not even to pay attention to your questions and just give you a random standard answer. You write to a insurance company asking a simple and clear question:

Dear Sir or Madam,
Last year I subscribed a health insurance from you. I just noticed that by mistake you wrote in my insurance card that by year of birth is 1882. Should I ask for a new card, or is this mistake harmless?
Thanks in advance.

And then you get this answer:

Dear Client,
We are pleased to inform you that you can subscribe our insurances in our offices. For auto insurance, please visit our office in the 10th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For casuality insurance, please visit our office in the 11th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For credit insurance, please visit our office in the 12th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For disability insurance, please visit our office in the 13th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For health insurance, please visit our office in the 14th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For home insurance, please visit our office in the 15th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For liability insurance, please visit our office in the 16th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For life insurance, please visit our office in the 17th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For property insurance, please visit our office in the 18th Street from 9 am to 17 pm. For other types of insurance, please visit our office in the 19th Street from 9 am to 17 pm.
We are committed to better serve you!

That final line just kills me!

I receive daily a very convincing e-mail like this one:

FROM OFICE OF PRESIDENT
EUROPEAN WORLDWIDE LOTERY
DEPARTEMENT OF PRICE AWARD
REF NO: ZA/99-09099

Congratulacions!!We are pleased to inform You that You the EUROPEAN WORLDWIDE LOTERY won.You Price Award are 12,500,000.00 EUR (Twelve Milion Five Undred Tousand Euro Zero Cent)!!You luck E-Mail name attach to ticket #88-18188 was pull between more than over an about Milion tickets!!You Serial Number #77-27277.To begin process the withdraw of You Price Award money we kind ask to You to our Internacional Delegation Agency Departement contact.The Price Award is 3 (Tree) months good for.Please present the folow person details of You:

1/Entire Name
2/Day Of Born
3/Address
4/National
5/Passport Number
6/Telefon/Fax Number

NOTE:As so we can process You request we need You to send 400 EUR (Four Undred Euro) in money in You details on process expenses.Pleased fax by E-Mail to we.As is our Security Protocol we pleased ask You to make secret of Price Award out of public view.Pleased write You Ref No in You contact.

The police conducted a search in the home of a suspected serial killer and found pieces of seven human bodies. No one doubts that the suspect is guilty. However, the police forgot to secure a search warrant prior to the search. This renders the search illegal.

In court, the defence ask for the suppression of the illegally obtained evidence, and consequent release of the defender due to lack of evidence. The prosecution counter-argues that the defender should be held on the illegal evidence, otherwise an undoubtedly guilty serial killer is free to kill again. What should the court rule?

• The court should suppress the evidence and release the defender. To disregard the law in this particular case would produce a more just result, but it would weaken the rule of law. Once you open an exception, you open two or three. This would jeopardizing future application of the law, people's rights and ultimately the way society governs itself. And it would in practice allow the police to disregard the law.
• The court should admit the evidence and hold the defender. One should not refrain from doing justice just to protect a general principle like the "rule of law". Anyway, the ruling of law can be suspended if public safety so requires. And in this particular case there is not even the risk of convicting the wrong person.

I'm always helping people. I'm a helpful person! Well, that is an overstatement. I'm not saving the world... Rather I should say that when someone asks for my help, I'm pretty much incapable of refusing it. Except when I feel that helping would make me a complete fool. More than usual, I mean! So many times I'm helping this guy with his crashing computer, that girl with her math problem, taking someone who asks for directions to his or her destination, and so on.

But then, then when it is my turn of ask for help, I have an instinct to refrain from asking. A mixture of "I shouldn't bother other persons with this" and "I don't know that person so well" and other thoughts of the kind populating my mind. And in the end I feel sometimes helpless, when the reality is that I have much more to turn to than any other person.

This is quite typical in me. Although the outside world is sunny, the inside world is rainy. And knowing it with a crystal clear awareness doesn't help a thing.

The second more traumatizing event in the life of women is to turn 30 years old. (The first one is to meet me.) And when this happens it is usually a little bit too late to start lying about your age. This kind of lies should be planned in advance. So, ladies, pay attention. As soon as you turn 29 you should start saying that your age is the value given by this formula:

fake age = 30 - 1/(real age - 28).

Take a look at the table:

real age    fake age
29          29.00
30          29.50
31          29.67
32          29.75
33          29.80
34          29.83
35          29.86
...         ...

The fake age keeps increasing with your real age, conferring realism to your lie. But the fake age grows in a decelerate way such that it will never reach 30, so you are safe.

History is not always fair, and many times it is really unfair. The Kleinnosaurus is one of its victims. Everyone knows Tyrannosaurus, there are movies featuring Tyrannosaurus, children play with Tyrannosaurus toys, museums display Tyrannosaurus bones, but what about Kleinossaurus? Just because Kleinnosaurus didn't have the right figure, just because it was a peaceful herbivore of the size of a chicken, it doesn't deserve its place in history?

Let us not be deceived by Kleinnosaurus' humble figure: it was as dangerous lizard, perhaps even more dangerous than its totally unrelated relative, Tyrannosaurus. Imagine this situation: you are walking in the jungles of Jurassic and you find a Kleinnosaurus. You wouldn't, it lived in the Cretaceous. So you are walking in the jungles of Cretaceous and you find a Kleinnosaurus. You didn't notice it so you stepped on it. Now you are really in trouble.

First, you are responsible for the Kleinossaurus' medical bill. Medical assistance in the Cretaceous was very expensive and your insurance doesn't cover the Cretaceous Period. Then you will have animal welfare organizations making protests in your front yard. They will step over your grass and flowers, break a flowerbed and ruin your Saturday barbecue. The next day you will have plant welfare organizations making protests against the animal welfare organizations, spoiling your Sunday relaxation. Finally, since Kleinnosaurus is an endangered species (they were stepped on too many times), you may face legal charges for endangering and mistreating a protected species.

So, wouldn't you actually be safer with a Tyrannosaurus?

I hate one-line posts!

I saw a bear
A nice bear
And then another bear

I saw two bears
Two nice bears
And then another bear

I saw three bears
Three nice bears
And then another bear

I saw four bears
Four nice bears
And then another bear

...

• To take an out of focus photo of Bigfoot.
• To learn how to play rests on the piano.
• To meet Elvis.

H. H. Hunted moved to a desert island. A paradise of tropical flora, white sand beaches and green-blue clear water. And not a soul, not a single soul around. It was warm, it was beautiful, it was deliciously peaceful.

Hunted's imagination moved out of reality. Unnamed phantoms moving in the shadows, fantasy storms building beyond what the eye can meet. Without a soul to commune, without a mates shield promising safety. It was now a wild island, a hatching place of ghosts, an incubator of fears.

If I knew what Hunted will do, I would tell you, dear reader. But I guess that Hunted will just suck up all those phantoms, lock them deep inside and keep going with an eye on the horizon and another one on the shadows.